I feel like everything I blog about is a touchy subject, but I'm pretty sure parenting technique tops them all. Everyone really does have their own opinions and feels like their way is the best way. Well, I'm not one of those people. In fact, I'm openly admitting that our way (the "traditional" way of yelling, spankings and time-outs) isn't the best way to parent. I actually felt pretty horrible about the negativity we were showing Monkey.
Like any other parent, I truly do believe that Monkey is a good boy, deep down beneath the tantrums, hitting, biting, and back talk. I knew that treating violence with violence was wrong, so I started searching for alternatives a few months back. We tried A LOT of ideas, and nothing helped until I set up our family rules and the "Time In Table" (I still don't know what we'll call it, so feel free to make suggestions!).
I'll upload all of these as word documents so you can customize them and use them for your own family :)
Family Rules:
I chose rules that would be easy for everyone to remember (only 4 words to remember, really) and that would be timeless. You can use whatever rules meet your family's needs, but I think keeping it simple is key. Monkey is only 3, after all.
Under each rule I added pictures of examples for Monkey to see, mostly because he can't read yet. We spend a little time every day looking at the rules and he likes to explain what's happening in the pictures. To reinforce the rules, I like to point out examples during his daily activities. For example, if he puts his cup in the sink when I ask I say, "Thank you! You are being very helpful. And very respectful by doing what Mommy asked you! Great job!". This way he doesn't only hear about the rules when he breaks them (which isn't very often anymore). We also point out when my husband and I (or even Bug) follows or breaks a rule so he knows these rules are for the whole family and not just him.
Just setting our expectations in writing and making sure Monkey knows and understands them has helped tremendously. We no longer expect that he should just know them (which seems pretty unfair-- expecting him to know rules without ever saying them or writing them down).
The Time In Table gives Monkey a place where he can relax and we can talk about his feelings and what we can do better next time. In my research I've learned that toddlers/pre-schoolers act out because they're overwhelmed by what they're feeling and have no idea what else to do, so it comes out violently. This gives me a chance to teach him how to identify his feelings and handle them so he doesn't end up breaking a rule next time. Much more constructive than punishing him for his feelings and hoping he'll figure out what to do on his own.
Time In Table (feel free to suggest new names for this!)
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This is our version of a "time out". It isn't a time out at all really, just a place where he can calm down and identify his emotions. It's still under construction, but it's already helped a lot. This is NOT a punishment, and he's more than welcome to just go to the table whenever he wants.
Let's say Monkey and Bug are playing when Monkey gets mad and slaps Bug and takes whatever Bug was playing with. This is actually what happened when this picture was taken.
I let him know that hitting his brother was not kind, and tell him to go "calm down" (we both push our hands down towards the floor) and then we'll talk about his "feelings" (we both put our hands on our tummies). He goes to his table to color, hold his stuffed toy, "read" his book or do whatever is there (I'll be adding more) until he calms down.
After he calms down I come over and we work on the whiteboard together (he can't read or write yet so I use this way. I'll upload a worksheet versions of this for older children, though).
Calm Me Kit:
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This is actually an up-cycled Easter basket. I just cut the handles off of it and it holds his Calm Me Kit (you can use a shoe box or anything, really). There is Sushi (that's what he named his sea lion), a cardboard book, a coloring book, emotions coloring page, and markers (these are getting replaced with crayons when I get a chance). There was a Calm Me jar, but I made it from a baby food jar and it was broken shortly before this photo shoot (I suggest a plastic jar lol). I'm going to put a small mirror on the wall (so he can see his emotions, it'll help him identify them) and I'm making a bin of colored rice with essential oil and some gems for him to dig around in. All of these things help him to calm down by playing on his senses in different ways (watching the glitter in the jar settle, smelling lavender oil, giving him calming activities to do)
Take a Break Board:
I'm very proud of this board! I made it without having to buy anything, and I came up with the idea for this all by myself (please don't tell me if you've seen this somewhere else, I like feeling original and creative ;) ). After Monkey's calmed down, we work on this and talk about it together, answering the questions by choosing pictures. I haven't made the pictures for the third box yet (What can I do differently next time?) but they will be examples of good behavior.
The board itself was taken from an easel of theirs (I replaced this with a piece of cardboard so it'll still hold up his paper, I just don't like him using dry erase markers yet). Everything on the board I made in a Word document, printed out, and "laminated" with packing tape. The pictures will be glued to their magnets as soon as I can find my crazy glue.
The emotions magnets are just the colored version of the coloring page and the rules are minis of the pages we have hanging up on the wall. I sacrificed a couple of the flat refrigerator magnets we got from different businesses and will crazy glue them to the back of my "laminated" pictures.
The questions on the board use "I" statements, so he's taking responsibility for his actions and his feelings.
Ex: "I'm feeling angry." "I broke this rule." He's not blaming Bug for what happened when he answers this way.
Calm Me Jar:
Coming soon!
Aromatherapy Rice Bin:
Coming soon!
Downloads:
Coming Soon!
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